11.01.2010

nana.

a year and a half ago, my nana passed away.

the weekend of july 18th, i had planned on going out to missouri to visit her, riding with my dad out there so we could save on gas and make the twelve-hour drive a little easier, but things just didn't quite work out.  instead, i loaded up my husband and my brother and we made the trip a week early.  if i hadn't made that trip i would have missed her.

 i stayed with my aunt in the city where she was in the hospital.  we went to visit her that saturday, and then sunday before we took off for home again. she looked so frail, not that she was a big woman to begin with, but so, small.  fragile.  she was quite talkative, though, and in a great mood, telling us about the nurses, and how she got ice cream every day.  she called me by my cousin's name the whole time.  then, it bothered me because i felt like she didn't know who i was, but looking back on it now, i laugh, remembering how she always did that, to me, to my dad, my brother.  we stayed until i just couldn't hold back the tears or stand the smell of hospitals, the stench of urine and antiseptic and sadness.  i went back inside to give her one last hug and to tell  her i loved her.

i was in my hometown the night i got the call.  dad was on the other end of the line while i sat in a gas station parking lot, sobbing, heaving, wondering how he was able to speak so clearly when i could barely breathe.  sarah found me like that when she got back in the car and somehow we got to the house.  i walked in and all i could say to thomas was "she's dead."

three days later i was back in missouri.  it was the strangest time i've had to date.  there were the funeral arrangements, figuring out what to do with all of the stuff you accumulate in 89 years, emotions running high and low.  it didn't really click until we made it to the funeral home, and then it sunk in.  so many thoughts in my head:  she's gone.  i really won't ever see her again.  at least they did her hair and makeup well enough, she'd hate to look bad the last time we all see her.

when it was all said and done we went back to the house with the whole family.  i wish i could say that it was a time of sadness but i think we were all so uplifted from the funeral that we were ok.  it was a time of storytelling, learning what a badass my nana was, laughing at geico commercial references and being in awe of her war stories.  we got trashed throwing lawn darts at beer cans in the backyard.  it was a true alabama/west virginia good time with the cousins.  all in all i think it was all exactly how she would've wanted it to be.  even after she was gone, the house was filled with love and laughter and plenty of red wine.

her house finally sold, so my parents brought me some things from her house to then fill my house with reminders of her.  the shinto artwork guarding my front door, happy god of wealth to grant my wishes.

i didn't cry until i pulled a japanese figurine from a box.  i shook off all the packing peanuts and the scent of her perfume wafted into my living room.  i can still smell it.  its one thing i always associate with her.

i'm going to wear her hat again this weekend; another treasure from nana's house.  i felt so classy in it.  i love my nana so much, and while i know i'll never be as tough as her, as classy as her, as strong-willed as her, i can feel it for a little while when i'm "making a statement" in a bold feathered fedora.  i know she'd be proud.

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