the resolution.

"there's a lot that i don't know, there's a lot that i'm still learning...i need light in the dark as i search for the resolution."

2010.  i described it, as the chinese do, as the year of the <insert something here>.  my 2010 was "the year of the airplane".  silver status on two airlines, platinum status on my hotel brand of choice, and got to see some of the country i hadn't been to before, philadelphia being my favorite.  it was a wild ride, but i'm looking forward to extending the year of the airplane into 2011.

the best of the year?  travel.  feeling like i finally was on the right track as to what i wanted to be when i grow up.  appreciation at work.  a stronger marriage in some ways, though weaker in others (that part isn't the best).  i became more aware of the time i had at home and how to appreciate what little time i had with family, friends, and especially my little familial unit in charleston. the milestone of owning a house for a year, and seeing all the work we've done on it come together.  racking up enough loyalty points to travel for leisure and not have to pay for anything.

the worst?  over 50,000 miles in the air.  almost 200 nights spent in hotels and not my own house.  not being able to play the guitar.  realizing what i want and what i can't have are the same.

despite the lack of time in charleston, i really think this year was exactly what i needed.  i was feeling trapped in this city and my job was able to make the best of both worlds.  i would go somewhere else until i was sick of it, and then i got to go home!  perfection.  i got to work with a lot of like-minded people and made friends out of several coworkers; i am more than thankful for my "work family", without them i would've been a miserable, unsuccessful creature, and i look forward to many more adventures.

looking forward, its that time of year that we make resolutions.  i have only two:  listen to a bunch of new music.  and act my age.  i am still a kid by the numbers, but i've been a part of the adult world for five years now.  i resolve to have a lot more fun, take more risks, and try new things.

keep reading in 2011 to see how i do.  happy new year.

reflections on a percentage.

i am twenty-four years old.  yesterday marked the point where i realized i had spent twenty-five percent of my life with my husband.  wow.  it really made me take a step back and think of what that meant.

i met thomas after playing a gig in beckley.  special guest had played that night with a few other bands and it was a homecoming of sorts for me, having not played since i went away to college.  he was there supporting his brother, who had played bass for one of the bands that night, and it was the first time i had met him, even though i had agreed to spend the rest of that week before christmas helping him on a film, lifting and toting and the like.  i had no idea what i was getting out of the deal.  i thought it would just be some work experience in my field.  look what i ended up with.

fast forward to now.  we've been married three years, together for six.  as i posted on love several weeks ago, my ideas on what marriage is and isn't have changed significantly, though i believe it's for the best.  i got myself locked into a partnership, not a romance.  it's a series of challenges, a teammate to help me get through this thing called life.  i love where we've made it so far.

there are a lot of people i know that knew me for many years before they knew my husband.  it warms my heart to know there are also a lot of people that have never known us apart.  to many of our friends, we have always been a unit, our names generally used together, not ever knowing one without the other.  and while we are both very independent people and i sometimes cringe at the idea of being even slightly dependent on someone else (i am thankful for someone who can reach the cabinet above the fridge and unscrew stubborn jars), i like knowing that without that twenty-five percent of my life with him in it i would be a very different person, probably not nearly as happy and successful as i am now.

deck the halls.

i figured if i didn't get the tree up today it was never going to happen, so i spent the afternoon decorating for the holiday.  last year when we got the house, we didn't really get to do much decorating, still getting settled in and all it was hard to find time to hang up a bunch of stuff when we still had boxes to unpack.  of course ziggy wanted to help me.

i hung up lights outside for the first time this year.  it was a cold and arduous task and i'm not sure i want to do it again next year, but it looks festive enough.  i don't know of anyone else on the street that's decorated yet; hoping we'll be trendsetters.

the stockings are hung by the chimney with care.  two years of sayre family santa photos along the mantle and an army of nutcrackers.  thomas loves nutcrackers.



we didn't get a real tree this year, and while i'm sad that my house won't smell amazing, i'm not so sad about cleaning up pine needles for the next 11 months.  i still find them in places from last year.  unbelievable.  i absolutely love our tree though.  when we were still living in apartments, i said we couldn't get a real tree.  neither one of us were interested in hauling a tree up three flights of stairs.  so we got the most god-awfully tacky tinsel tree i could find.  i said if we were having a fake tree, there was going to be no doubt that it was fake.  it's so fantastically hideous and i love it.  silver tinsel complete with retro bubble lights and more c6 lights than should be allowed on a single tree.  it looks like it might set the curtains on fire, but whatever.  its probably my favorite part of christmas.

 i'm not the biggest fan of christmas, so i'm waiting a few days to put the ornaments on.  feel like i better make the festive feelings last.  fa la la la la.....

sales call thursday, brought to you by...

its beginning to look a lot like december.

well, it finally feels like winter here in charleston.  i woke up this morning to snow on my car and a feeling of sadness, hoping the rental car gods had blessed me with an ice scraper.  i don't like cold weather. i hate all of that jazz that comes along with the "beauty" of winter; if you're into dead trees with frozen water stuck to their branches, black ice, soul-crushing temperatures and seasonal depression, more power to you.  i'm into sunshine, lightweight hoodies and shorts, thanks.

but regardless, while i was sitting in my office i did have to marvel at the flurries outside my big window.  i work at an airport, on top of a mountain where there's nothing to block the chilling winds that will literally take your breath away.  this wind made the snowflakes flutter around aimlessly and for a little while it really did look like a snowglobe.  i went for a run tonight and while it was absolutely freezing, it was kind of pretty.  i liked seeing the little white bits floating in the glow of the streetlights, clashing with the dark that comes way too early these days, the christmas lights that people have already put up (it's december now, so i guess thats acceptable), the massive lit christmas tree on top of the bb&t building.

maybe the "beauty" of winter is beautiful in the way that some dogs are so ugly they're cute, but after tonight, i'd rather enjoy it from inside my warm house. hello winter.  i'm not happy you're here, but you can stay for a few months, i guess.

love.

i got to thinking about a lot of things today.  hours and hours in a car with nasty weather will do that to you.  i started thinking about love.  there are so many different types of love, and i hate that.  just because apples and oranges are both fruits doesn't mean they're the same.  we all have different kinds of love for different kinds of people.

back when i started dating my now husband, i wanted to keep the kind of mad, whirlwind love we had.  it happened so fast.  love at first sight?  not quite, but i sure was crazy about him.  i wanted it to last, i wanted to feel that rush of romantic love forever.  needless to say, it didn't last.  you fall into patterns and routines and you get so used to each other that well, it's not the kind of love that takes your breath away anymore. but it's the kind of love that i love the most.  the "old people still together after 60 years of marriage" kind of love.  i like nothing more than to fall asleep on the couch, the cat sleeping above my head, him playing video games, a comfortable kind of love.

what's so wrong with that?  i think people get so hung up in the kisses and roses that we lose sight of what love really is.  just wanting to be around another person, not having to talk to them or engage them.  you just want to be in their company.

i have a habit of saying "i love you".  i didn't used to, though; it took me a long time to be able to say it.  i wouldn't tell my family i loved them because it wasn't cool.  i wouldn't tell my school boyfriends i loved them because that felt too weird.  and then i met the crew, who used those words so freely it drove me crazy.  and probably because of them, and because i love them so much, i say it all the time.

i leave the house in the morning and those are the last words i say to my husband. i hang up the phone with my best friend in the world and i tell him i love him.  i always tell my parents and family i love them, every time i depart, whether its when i see them or when i talk to them.

maybe i use it too much but i'm just full of love these days.

i suppose this is a post to everyone who reads this blog.  probably because i know its only good friends and family, but just so you know, i think you're fabulous.

and yes, i love you.

driving.

i work for a rental car company, so cars are kind of my thing.  i love cars.  all kinds of cars.  i drive a different car every day and could probably tell you as much about the features of any car as well as a salesman could.
fortunately i also love driving.

the coolest perk about my job is the free car.  i'll never forget the day i got promoted and they said, "take any car you want for the day."  it was about labor day when i got the job, and the weather was perfect.  sunny, not too hot, you could feel fall approaching;  i couldn't think of a better day.  there was a brand new ford mustang, white, tan leather interior.  i said, "can i have that one?" to which my boss said, "absolutely."  i had an appointment an hour away that day.  i drove that car as fast as i could, music blasting, windows down.  it was perfection.

i've gotten to take amazing cars home:  a mercedes crusier, a hot camaro with the v8 engine, the adorable volvo c30 hatchback that was made for driving the backroads of west by-god virginia.  i've also had to drive some horrible cars:  the toyota yaris hatchback, the smartcar that makes you wonder what will happen if you get rear-ended, a salvaged corolla that was somehow still operable even with the entire driver's side smashed in, because they were the only cars left on the lot.  but i still love trying them all out.

recently my job has caused me to spend less time in the air and more time behind the wheel, and i am so thrilled about this.  i've had to go to places i didn't really care for, but at least the drive was nice.  i could go the rest of the year without making another trip to wheeling, three hours away, but at least this time i get to do it in a sweet car.  i'm hoping tomorrow is a great day weatherwise, i hope my boss doesn't mind my ipod, and i hope the cops have already hit their quota with the holiday traffic.  it could turn out to be a fantastic day for a drive.

pie.

this weekend i went to visit my family (that will be another series of posts altogether) out in missouri.  my mom's entire side of the family lives out there, her sisters and their families, my gaga, everyone.  they didn't know i was coming and it was so cool to surprise them with a visit!  i hadn't been out there in a year and a half, and it was time to visit for a happy reason.

my gaga is such a good cook.  she's the queen of comfort food.  i could always count on there being some sort of sweet treat at her house; i love her gingersnaps, snickerdoodles, pies, just thinking about it makes me hungry.  she can do some good beef brisket too, but i guess that will be a lesson for another day.  i made a post about firsts, my first pie.  i wasn't exactly a miserable failure, but i certainly wasn't pleased with the results, so i asked gaga to give me a lesson in cherry pie.

she taught me first how to thicken the cherries to make my own pie filling, adding what i decided was the secret ingredient to it to make it absolutely perfect.  i had made a shortening crust before, and she taught me how to make an oil crust, so much easier to work with, and how to roll it out so it doesn't give you fits.  she showed me how to make designs in the crust that are not only functional but add a little flair to an otherwise typical pie, how to pinch the crust so it looks good and the filling won't ooze out.  all in all, it was piemaking 101.


do you  know that was one of the best pies i've ever had?  my uncle said it tasted just like a gaga pie, which was good.  it was his birthday pie and he loved it.  i was so proud.  he even called my dad to tell him how great it was.  making that pie was one of the best parts of the trip because not only did i learn something, it was so neat to bond with my gaga and learn her tricks.  one of my favorite things about families are the traditions and skills we pass down, and i'm very thankful i learned the secrets.

i can't wait to make another one.  the way it went over i have a feeling it won't be long before i do.

nana.

a year and a half ago, my nana passed away.

the weekend of july 18th, i had planned on going out to missouri to visit her, riding with my dad out there so we could save on gas and make the twelve-hour drive a little easier, but things just didn't quite work out.  instead, i loaded up my husband and my brother and we made the trip a week early.  if i hadn't made that trip i would have missed her.

 i stayed with my aunt in the city where she was in the hospital.  we went to visit her that saturday, and then sunday before we took off for home again. she looked so frail, not that she was a big woman to begin with, but so, small.  fragile.  she was quite talkative, though, and in a great mood, telling us about the nurses, and how she got ice cream every day.  she called me by my cousin's name the whole time.  then, it bothered me because i felt like she didn't know who i was, but looking back on it now, i laugh, remembering how she always did that, to me, to my dad, my brother.  we stayed until i just couldn't hold back the tears or stand the smell of hospitals, the stench of urine and antiseptic and sadness.  i went back inside to give her one last hug and to tell  her i loved her.

i was in my hometown the night i got the call.  dad was on the other end of the line while i sat in a gas station parking lot, sobbing, heaving, wondering how he was able to speak so clearly when i could barely breathe.  sarah found me like that when she got back in the car and somehow we got to the house.  i walked in and all i could say to thomas was "she's dead."

three days later i was back in missouri.  it was the strangest time i've had to date.  there were the funeral arrangements, figuring out what to do with all of the stuff you accumulate in 89 years, emotions running high and low.  it didn't really click until we made it to the funeral home, and then it sunk in.  so many thoughts in my head:  she's gone.  i really won't ever see her again.  at least they did her hair and makeup well enough, she'd hate to look bad the last time we all see her.

when it was all said and done we went back to the house with the whole family.  i wish i could say that it was a time of sadness but i think we were all so uplifted from the funeral that we were ok.  it was a time of storytelling, learning what a badass my nana was, laughing at geico commercial references and being in awe of her war stories.  we got trashed throwing lawn darts at beer cans in the backyard.  it was a true alabama/west virginia good time with the cousins.  all in all i think it was all exactly how she would've wanted it to be.  even after she was gone, the house was filled with love and laughter and plenty of red wine.

her house finally sold, so my parents brought me some things from her house to then fill my house with reminders of her.  the shinto artwork guarding my front door, happy god of wealth to grant my wishes.

i didn't cry until i pulled a japanese figurine from a box.  i shook off all the packing peanuts and the scent of her perfume wafted into my living room.  i can still smell it.  its one thing i always associate with her.

i'm going to wear her hat again this weekend; another treasure from nana's house.  i felt so classy in it.  i love my nana so much, and while i know i'll never be as tough as her, as classy as her, as strong-willed as her, i can feel it for a little while when i'm "making a statement" in a bold feathered fedora.  i know she'd be proud.

talent, or perhaps lack thereof.

as i reevaluate the things i enjoyed back when i had free time, things i've mentioned here (running, theatre, crochet), i often wonder--when is it time to say, "well, i really enjoyed that back then."  and then move on.
i think the thing that bothers me most is the fact that i feel that i've lost some of the talent i once had.  maybe it was because i had more time to work on my talents.  or maybe i was just never really good to begin with, and i just had more time to fool myself into thinking otherwise.

until very recently, i hadn't played my guitar in public in six years.
i found a guitar in the lost and found in philadelphia, so i took it.  i took it and i used it and played for the first time in six years and, at least i think, didn't suck too bad.
last time i was home i tried to go to a bar down the street to play at their open mic, but it was electric.

tonight, as i sat on the couch saying to myself, "you can do this, or you can fall asleep on the couch.  again," i got up instead, drove over to the bar, and found out yet again, it was electric open mic night.
mind you, there's not a single other open mic night in town that offers an acoustic setting, i just continually miss it apparently.  and maybe it's just a moment in sadness that's got me thinking, but i often wonder, is the universe trying to tell me something?  maybe its time to hang it up?

i don't want to stop playing, but every time i get enough guts to try it, i get shut down.  maybe this is a clever way of telling me i shouldn't be playing in public for a reason.  or maybe it's just a trial to see how dedicated i am to it.

i suppose if i give it another shot next week i'll know which one it is.

"i can't. i have rehearsal."

thomas was in a production for kanawha players, "art of murder", and it opened this weekend.  he's put a lot of time into it, and i think he's glad that one, it's up and running, and two, it's going well.  he even got a mention in the paper!  pretty cool.  

i didn't get to have much involvement in the production because i was out of town for so long, but helped out the first week i was back a little bit and came and worked on the set last thursday.  it made me remember all the hours i spent in college working in the basement of the theater with paint cans and power tools, or sitting in the booth running lights, my diet coke beside me so i wouldn't get the board all sticky with soda that i would inevitably spill.  my minor in college was theatre.  hard to believe i've been so removed from it for this long.

i started my theatre life when i was in 9th grade.  i was so shy and terrified of getting in front of people back then.  i guess that hasn't really changed, but i've certainly gotten better as the years have gone by.  i started taking acting classes back then to get my confidence, and loved it.  in high school, i branched out to technical theatre and loved it even more.  i liked it so much it's what drove me to major in mass communications, so i could concentrate on the production aspects of video and get my minor theatre so i could keep doing it.  (funny how i haven't used any of those skills since then.)  it was such a huge part of my life growing up and then it just fell to the wayside.  like so many things i used to enjoy doing.

but i think i'm ready to do it again.  maybe when i get my confidence back, i'll do it.  hell, it doesn't take any guts to build a set, but i'm nervous to volunteer since i'm so out of practice.  i think once i find a show i'm interested in, i'll see what i can get into.  looking forward to the days when i can say, "i can't, i have rehearsal."

the cure for all ills.

what a shit week.  i'll admit that i am having problems adjusting to life in one place.  i got so used to traveling and working ridiculous hours and not being able to exercise or having to do laundry or clean up after myself that i'm seriously having some issues.

this is what life looks like:  i am a freaking mess.

the stresses of everyday life are many, and to top it all off, i'm like an emotional sponge.  i take on everyone else's problems somehow and this week there have certainly been many.  i'm worried about my family, my friends, my job, and it's all coming to a head.  but i felt better tonight than i have in a while.

i have a friend that i met in college.  we had lots of classes together, but she didn't live on campus, so we didn't get as close as we probably could have.  now she lives in the same town as me and i get to see her more frequently, but still not often enough.  after weeks of not hanging out, we finally got to sit down and have a chat over giant cups of coffee.  it's so great to know that there are other people in your life that are having similar feelings or know what you're going through.  sometimes i think we all just need a sounding board to know that we're not alone and help us work through our issues.  i am truly blessed to have her in my life!

i am so thankful for great friends and a cup of coffee.  even though eventually i'll have to deal with life (life is tough, get used to it), i'm convinced that as long as you have both of those, everything else in life can just fall away for an hour or two.

dinner. brought to you by...

running.

i started running because it was the only time no one could bother me.  true story.  i could leave the cell phone in the house, grab my ipod, and disappear into the streets of charleston for half an hour or so.  i did it one day so i could get away, and the next day so i couldn't be bothered, and then i did it because it felt good.  and then, after much coaxing, i did my first race.  my running partner, amber, had been running for months before she roped me into it.  she told me how much fun races were and that i should try one.

july 4, 2009, was my first 5k.  i haven't looked back.  we had a race on saturday and even though my time wasn't what i wanted it to be, i can tell my endurance is increasing!  what a great feeling of accomplishment when i can run the entire race without stopping.  except for water of course.  i just can't get over the physics of swallowing while bouncing and breathing.  its still a victory as far as i'm concerned.


my motivations have changed a bit.  i love how my legs look better now that i've been running for more than a year.  i love that i have somebody else who will suffer through the miles with me; what a bonding experience, trudging through mud and snow and gravel in all weather conditions.  but days like today, when i don't have a running partner and don't particularly care how great my butt is looking these days, i still turn to running to get away.


i got absorbed into pete yorn and the crunching of the leaves for a few miles and felt so much better about life.    now that i'm not on the road and working weird hours i remember how much i loved running in the first place.  it feels so good to be back.

punk rock.

i didn't exactly grow up listening to punk rock, but from about twelve on, that was what i was into.  i still remember my brother putting on a cassette tape in his car of the sex pistols.  "anarchy in the uk" came blasting through the mediocre speakers and i was hooked.  i gobbled it up from that point, getting my hands on his misfits and dead kennedys tapes that his friends made for him, a decent descendents mixtape, listening to rancid and remembering the first time i saw the video for "ruby soho" on mtv when i was even younger.  and that was back when mtv actually showed videos--remember then?  like decades ago?  yeah.

i never quite grew out of it.  yes, i had to grow up visibly when i went corporate, but i still love it.  lucky for me i have a husband in a punk rock band.  i wish they would write their own songs but then again, i'm perfectly happy singing along to pennywise and all my old favorites on the weekends.  loud, fast, and sloppy.  

after not seeing them play since labor day weekend, i was pretty jazzed to see them.  and while i realized that i really had gotten old when i couldn't stay awake through the entire set, it was still fantastic.  happy punk rock weekend.  glad there will be many more.

a great day for a drive.

while at first i was a bit miffed that i was the one who got stuck driving almost two hours (one way) to visit a new location, i changed my tune as soon as i got into the mountains.  when it wasn't raining, the sun was shining perfectly on the trees, making those bright oranges and yellows and reds pop against the green and brown that i'm so used to seeing where i am.  it hasn't hit here yet, where the trees look like gingers with their red tops and nothing else.

four hours in the car, the black keys and band of skulls as my soundtrack, i flew down highways and interstates and tried to pay attention to the road, but the great music and gorgeous scenery made it more than difficult.

four hours in a car will make you think about a lot of things.  i looked around me and thought about how lucky i am to live in such a beautiful state.  almost makes all the things i hate about it slip away. well, at least for four hours, anyway.

firsts.

yesterday was a day of firsts.  

the group of people i hang out with is kind of an older crowd, at least compared to me.  many of them are more than five years older than me, ranging all the way to the 50th birthday party i went to last weekend.  yesterday, our friends that had the first baby in our group of friends, threw a birthday party for their baby, her first birthday.  it was so strange, seeing this baby grow into a little person, realizing that now she has visible thoughts and emotions other than tears.  it was hilarious to watch her play with the toy we got her--a piano that makes noise by hitting chimes (no batteries! haha!!)--and watch her figure out melodies and cause/effect.  crazy.  i was so glad to be a part of that huge "first":  her first birthday, her parents realizing that they've been parents for an entire year, just moving into their first house.  it was a big deal for them.  so cool.

me?  i baked a pie.

hey, there's a first time for everything, be it birthday cakes, or pies.

i am not a good housewife.

(not so) tiny dancer.

sometimes i continue to amaze myself and i love that feeling.  i think so often we feel like if we didn't learn how to do something as a child, we'll never really learn.  things like foreign languages (and the ability to speak them fluently), sports, a new skill, a musical instrument, but then you give it a try and realize, "hey, maybe i can do this!"

when i was a kid i was expected to be involved in all kinds of activities, but i was kind of limited to what those activities should be.  i suffered through piano lessons for two years before finally putting my foot down.  i played soccer off and on for years.  i was never the girl who could take dance lessons.  dance was too expensive (true), and while no one ever said it, i saw the girls that took dance (i was not built to be a dancer).

last night i went to a dance class.  my first dance class.  at twenty-four years old.  and while dance is expensive and i still don't possess the physique, i did it anyway.  and i'll be back next week for another round of "adult hip-hop" to perfect the routine to kc and the sunshine band.

im in stitches.

i've spent the morning in front of the television, catching up on my netflix instant queue, and working on a hat.  it's finally cold weather season in charleston, it feels like fall, and i decided that for a little less than three dollars, i should make a hat to properly welcome the cooler temperatures and icy cold sunny days.  its beautiful out but i'm not ready to leave the house until this thing is done.

crochet was like riding a bicycle.  i made a blanket a couple of years ago but hadn't done anything since.  a new stitch and remembering all the old ones later, this is what i have.

it doesn't look like a hat yet, but it will.  i can't wait to rock it this weekend.  i took a wad of yarn and turned it into something functional.  a little victory.  go me.

want to make this hat too?

tres.

three years ago today, about this time, i was standing in the middle of an outdoor pavilion, crying over table arrangements.  i was upset because everything wasn't "exactly how i wanted it to be."  two hours later, i stood at the back of a church and stared in awe at the gathering of my family and closest friends as i made the biggest decision of my life to that point (and probably this point, as well). it made table arrangements seem minuscule in the series of events that day.

three years ago today, i got married.  it certainly hasn't been easy.  i didn't think the first year was ever going to end.  now, i feel like i blinked and it's been three years.  we have a cute house, two of the coolest cats ever, a great group of friends, and a stupid little life in this town i have a love-hate relationship with.

but we love it.

today especially, i'm taking time to appreciate all the little things in my life.  like having the day off to (poorly) iron my husband's shirt before he goes to work, and be thankful that i have a husband.

tuesday afternoons.

taking the week off has been great for my head.  and my running habit.  loving this fall weather, mostly because it's my favorite time of year to run.  recovering from saturday's 'pumpkin run' in milton and getting ready for the 'pumpkins in the park 5k' next saturday.  ready to lace up and throw on longsleeves and shorts, the best combination ever.