talent, or perhaps lack thereof.

as i reevaluate the things i enjoyed back when i had free time, things i've mentioned here (running, theatre, crochet), i often wonder--when is it time to say, "well, i really enjoyed that back then."  and then move on.
i think the thing that bothers me most is the fact that i feel that i've lost some of the talent i once had.  maybe it was because i had more time to work on my talents.  or maybe i was just never really good to begin with, and i just had more time to fool myself into thinking otherwise.

until very recently, i hadn't played my guitar in public in six years.
i found a guitar in the lost and found in philadelphia, so i took it.  i took it and i used it and played for the first time in six years and, at least i think, didn't suck too bad.
last time i was home i tried to go to a bar down the street to play at their open mic, but it was electric.

tonight, as i sat on the couch saying to myself, "you can do this, or you can fall asleep on the couch.  again," i got up instead, drove over to the bar, and found out yet again, it was electric open mic night.
mind you, there's not a single other open mic night in town that offers an acoustic setting, i just continually miss it apparently.  and maybe it's just a moment in sadness that's got me thinking, but i often wonder, is the universe trying to tell me something?  maybe its time to hang it up?

i don't want to stop playing, but every time i get enough guts to try it, i get shut down.  maybe this is a clever way of telling me i shouldn't be playing in public for a reason.  or maybe it's just a trial to see how dedicated i am to it.

i suppose if i give it another shot next week i'll know which one it is.

"i can't. i have rehearsal."

thomas was in a production for kanawha players, "art of murder", and it opened this weekend.  he's put a lot of time into it, and i think he's glad that one, it's up and running, and two, it's going well.  he even got a mention in the paper!  pretty cool.  

i didn't get to have much involvement in the production because i was out of town for so long, but helped out the first week i was back a little bit and came and worked on the set last thursday.  it made me remember all the hours i spent in college working in the basement of the theater with paint cans and power tools, or sitting in the booth running lights, my diet coke beside me so i wouldn't get the board all sticky with soda that i would inevitably spill.  my minor in college was theatre.  hard to believe i've been so removed from it for this long.

i started my theatre life when i was in 9th grade.  i was so shy and terrified of getting in front of people back then.  i guess that hasn't really changed, but i've certainly gotten better as the years have gone by.  i started taking acting classes back then to get my confidence, and loved it.  in high school, i branched out to technical theatre and loved it even more.  i liked it so much it's what drove me to major in mass communications, so i could concentrate on the production aspects of video and get my minor theatre so i could keep doing it.  (funny how i haven't used any of those skills since then.)  it was such a huge part of my life growing up and then it just fell to the wayside.  like so many things i used to enjoy doing.

but i think i'm ready to do it again.  maybe when i get my confidence back, i'll do it.  hell, it doesn't take any guts to build a set, but i'm nervous to volunteer since i'm so out of practice.  i think once i find a show i'm interested in, i'll see what i can get into.  looking forward to the days when i can say, "i can't, i have rehearsal."

the cure for all ills.

what a shit week.  i'll admit that i am having problems adjusting to life in one place.  i got so used to traveling and working ridiculous hours and not being able to exercise or having to do laundry or clean up after myself that i'm seriously having some issues.

this is what life looks like:  i am a freaking mess.

the stresses of everyday life are many, and to top it all off, i'm like an emotional sponge.  i take on everyone else's problems somehow and this week there have certainly been many.  i'm worried about my family, my friends, my job, and it's all coming to a head.  but i felt better tonight than i have in a while.

i have a friend that i met in college.  we had lots of classes together, but she didn't live on campus, so we didn't get as close as we probably could have.  now she lives in the same town as me and i get to see her more frequently, but still not often enough.  after weeks of not hanging out, we finally got to sit down and have a chat over giant cups of coffee.  it's so great to know that there are other people in your life that are having similar feelings or know what you're going through.  sometimes i think we all just need a sounding board to know that we're not alone and help us work through our issues.  i am truly blessed to have her in my life!

i am so thankful for great friends and a cup of coffee.  even though eventually i'll have to deal with life (life is tough, get used to it), i'm convinced that as long as you have both of those, everything else in life can just fall away for an hour or two.

dinner. brought to you by...

running.

i started running because it was the only time no one could bother me.  true story.  i could leave the cell phone in the house, grab my ipod, and disappear into the streets of charleston for half an hour or so.  i did it one day so i could get away, and the next day so i couldn't be bothered, and then i did it because it felt good.  and then, after much coaxing, i did my first race.  my running partner, amber, had been running for months before she roped me into it.  she told me how much fun races were and that i should try one.

july 4, 2009, was my first 5k.  i haven't looked back.  we had a race on saturday and even though my time wasn't what i wanted it to be, i can tell my endurance is increasing!  what a great feeling of accomplishment when i can run the entire race without stopping.  except for water of course.  i just can't get over the physics of swallowing while bouncing and breathing.  its still a victory as far as i'm concerned.


my motivations have changed a bit.  i love how my legs look better now that i've been running for more than a year.  i love that i have somebody else who will suffer through the miles with me; what a bonding experience, trudging through mud and snow and gravel in all weather conditions.  but days like today, when i don't have a running partner and don't particularly care how great my butt is looking these days, i still turn to running to get away.


i got absorbed into pete yorn and the crunching of the leaves for a few miles and felt so much better about life.    now that i'm not on the road and working weird hours i remember how much i loved running in the first place.  it feels so good to be back.

punk rock.

i didn't exactly grow up listening to punk rock, but from about twelve on, that was what i was into.  i still remember my brother putting on a cassette tape in his car of the sex pistols.  "anarchy in the uk" came blasting through the mediocre speakers and i was hooked.  i gobbled it up from that point, getting my hands on his misfits and dead kennedys tapes that his friends made for him, a decent descendents mixtape, listening to rancid and remembering the first time i saw the video for "ruby soho" on mtv when i was even younger.  and that was back when mtv actually showed videos--remember then?  like decades ago?  yeah.

i never quite grew out of it.  yes, i had to grow up visibly when i went corporate, but i still love it.  lucky for me i have a husband in a punk rock band.  i wish they would write their own songs but then again, i'm perfectly happy singing along to pennywise and all my old favorites on the weekends.  loud, fast, and sloppy.  

after not seeing them play since labor day weekend, i was pretty jazzed to see them.  and while i realized that i really had gotten old when i couldn't stay awake through the entire set, it was still fantastic.  happy punk rock weekend.  glad there will be many more.

a great day for a drive.

while at first i was a bit miffed that i was the one who got stuck driving almost two hours (one way) to visit a new location, i changed my tune as soon as i got into the mountains.  when it wasn't raining, the sun was shining perfectly on the trees, making those bright oranges and yellows and reds pop against the green and brown that i'm so used to seeing where i am.  it hasn't hit here yet, where the trees look like gingers with their red tops and nothing else.

four hours in the car, the black keys and band of skulls as my soundtrack, i flew down highways and interstates and tried to pay attention to the road, but the great music and gorgeous scenery made it more than difficult.

four hours in a car will make you think about a lot of things.  i looked around me and thought about how lucky i am to live in such a beautiful state.  almost makes all the things i hate about it slip away. well, at least for four hours, anyway.

firsts.

yesterday was a day of firsts.  

the group of people i hang out with is kind of an older crowd, at least compared to me.  many of them are more than five years older than me, ranging all the way to the 50th birthday party i went to last weekend.  yesterday, our friends that had the first baby in our group of friends, threw a birthday party for their baby, her first birthday.  it was so strange, seeing this baby grow into a little person, realizing that now she has visible thoughts and emotions other than tears.  it was hilarious to watch her play with the toy we got her--a piano that makes noise by hitting chimes (no batteries! haha!!)--and watch her figure out melodies and cause/effect.  crazy.  i was so glad to be a part of that huge "first":  her first birthday, her parents realizing that they've been parents for an entire year, just moving into their first house.  it was a big deal for them.  so cool.

me?  i baked a pie.

hey, there's a first time for everything, be it birthday cakes, or pies.

i am not a good housewife.

(not so) tiny dancer.

sometimes i continue to amaze myself and i love that feeling.  i think so often we feel like if we didn't learn how to do something as a child, we'll never really learn.  things like foreign languages (and the ability to speak them fluently), sports, a new skill, a musical instrument, but then you give it a try and realize, "hey, maybe i can do this!"

when i was a kid i was expected to be involved in all kinds of activities, but i was kind of limited to what those activities should be.  i suffered through piano lessons for two years before finally putting my foot down.  i played soccer off and on for years.  i was never the girl who could take dance lessons.  dance was too expensive (true), and while no one ever said it, i saw the girls that took dance (i was not built to be a dancer).

last night i went to a dance class.  my first dance class.  at twenty-four years old.  and while dance is expensive and i still don't possess the physique, i did it anyway.  and i'll be back next week for another round of "adult hip-hop" to perfect the routine to kc and the sunshine band.

im in stitches.

i've spent the morning in front of the television, catching up on my netflix instant queue, and working on a hat.  it's finally cold weather season in charleston, it feels like fall, and i decided that for a little less than three dollars, i should make a hat to properly welcome the cooler temperatures and icy cold sunny days.  its beautiful out but i'm not ready to leave the house until this thing is done.

crochet was like riding a bicycle.  i made a blanket a couple of years ago but hadn't done anything since.  a new stitch and remembering all the old ones later, this is what i have.

it doesn't look like a hat yet, but it will.  i can't wait to rock it this weekend.  i took a wad of yarn and turned it into something functional.  a little victory.  go me.

want to make this hat too?

tres.

three years ago today, about this time, i was standing in the middle of an outdoor pavilion, crying over table arrangements.  i was upset because everything wasn't "exactly how i wanted it to be."  two hours later, i stood at the back of a church and stared in awe at the gathering of my family and closest friends as i made the biggest decision of my life to that point (and probably this point, as well). it made table arrangements seem minuscule in the series of events that day.

three years ago today, i got married.  it certainly hasn't been easy.  i didn't think the first year was ever going to end.  now, i feel like i blinked and it's been three years.  we have a cute house, two of the coolest cats ever, a great group of friends, and a stupid little life in this town i have a love-hate relationship with.

but we love it.

today especially, i'm taking time to appreciate all the little things in my life.  like having the day off to (poorly) iron my husband's shirt before he goes to work, and be thankful that i have a husband.

tuesday afternoons.

taking the week off has been great for my head.  and my running habit.  loving this fall weather, mostly because it's my favorite time of year to run.  recovering from saturday's 'pumpkin run' in milton and getting ready for the 'pumpkins in the park 5k' next saturday.  ready to lace up and throw on longsleeves and shorts, the best combination ever.